Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Debunking the travel myth



Nothing makes these people feel more cultured, learned, and downright significant than a good old trip abroad. Travel makes you more interesting and others more significant in your eyes. Travel is pretty much the bourgeoisie’s hallowed route to enlightenment and epicurean life. This myth is straight up whack though. It’s time to debunk it and show the emperors of the bourgeoisie are not wearing clothes. In reality, travel is about as life changing as meatloaf because you don’t really do anything unique. So please stop perpetuating the myth and for the love of gawd stop the hyperbole laced recollection of your trip.

A perpetuator of this myth asked me the other day if I went to Africa, would it change my life? Well, it just might if I went to Kenya, ran a fishing scheme, and scored a few bank account numbers. Seriously, who does anything while traveling that “changes their life”? Do you volunteer helping an organization that is purifying drinking water for a remote African village? No. Let’s face it: That’s not what you do. Here is what you do:

  • Shop (Mostly likely for garbage)
  • Feed your face
  • Take pictures (Mostly of yourself drunk by landmarks)

What life changing and spiritual events these things are. Man, if only everyone took some time to shop for garbage, feed their face, and take pictures of themselves drunk by landmarks the world would be suuuch a better place. Our lives would be sooooo much more meaningful and fulfilling . There would be no war! No parking tickets. No Republicans!

What’s even more life changing than shopping (for garbage), feeding your face, and taking pictures (of yourself drunk by landmarks)? How about having your ignorance for another culture completely exposed? Amazing! No, not really. You are pretty much not to get it so keep on looking for that free public WC.

Speaking of amazing, it’s amazing how much perpetuators of the myth love to congregate and gab about their travels. I dare you to take a drink every time you hear the word “amazing” when a couple of these fools get together.

Bourgeois Betty: “I just got back from an amazing trip to Amazingland. It was amazing.”
Bourgeois Billy: “That’s amazing. I am about to go to The Amazing Republic.”
Bourgeois Betty: “Amazing. Wanna make out?”
Bourgeois Billy: “That would be amazing.”

If you are playing at home you can no longer walk straight but this disgusting behavior should make you vomit without even taking the drinks. How many times do you need to say the word amazing (take a drink) to make yourself sound interesting? On average, I’d say 4.5. No wait, that’s how much drinks I need to make you fools sound interesting.

You wanna travel? Great! We all need to get away. Just try to keep it real. Admit you are getting away from work to:

  • Shop (Mostly likely for garbage)
  • Feed your face
  • Take pictures (Mostly of yourself drunk by landmarks)

And if you still think that makes you cultured, learned, and interesting then Anthony Bourdain must be my biotch.

DO

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